Accepting Uncertainty Even Though I Hate It
I am a planner. I like knowing what to expect ahead of time, preparing for any scenario (including the worst-case one), and creating long-term goals to shape life’s roadmap. “I want to be an astronaut when I grow up.” “I want to make a six-dollar figure salary in 10 years.” “I want to be married and have a child by age 30!”
Of course, life happens and plans fall apart. This has been the case for me since I graduated from my master’s program last summer. At the time, I created this “grand” master plan that seemed solid enough (in my opinion):
- finish my thesis
- apply for state government jobs
- secure a good job with good pay and benefits right after graduation
- find my own place to live
- have a good life
Instead, after I moved from my on-campus apartment, I was spending hours working on resumes and cover letters only to get a few interviews and no job offers. My “career” consisted of several part-time jobs to pay bills and my student loans. Living with a cousin who has stringent housekeeping rules was not my idea of a suitable living situation. I felt that I landed in a prison of my own undoing and naivety with no escape. Will I ever be able to escape?
At the same time, my own health insurance was non-existent, since my school’s insurance ended and the local Medi-Cal office took a while to process my application. I wasn’t sure if I could meet my therapist near my grad school or if Medi-Cal would cover her telehealth sessions. All I knew was that I needed to see a therapist soon, but I was lost.
The depression from this unstable chapter of my life grew to where I could no longer ignore it. It was an “old friend” who stood by me in a “supportive” way only to be creepy instead. Along with my anxiety, my depression gave way to imposter syndrome, making me lose confidence in myself, my skills, and my accomplishments. Everything felt out of control — my definition of hell.
It wasn’t until I randomly cried at a temporary office job and my boss let me go that I realized my depression has affected me enough. No more giving in. I have to stay confident to keep living.
Coping with Uncertainty
I remembered the coping mechanisms that my therapist taught me to deal with grad school stress. They have helped me in the past, and who says they can’t help me now?
Reality Checking
Yes, the facts are that I am jobless and have no stable income to help me pay my student loans and other expenses at the moment. BUT…my life hasn’t completely broken apart, has it? I have my family and friends I can contact. There is a roof above my head somehow, and I have access to food. My car still works so I can drive for job-related tasks or run errands. And I’m still here — even with the uncertain future in front of me.
Separating Thoughts from Self
My depression and anxiety thrives on my fear of uncertainty. They serve to protect me by making me fly away from the sources of it. But where am I flying to? Is it a place of stability or another disaster I need to run away from? Sick of feeling like this, I pushed my feelings of uncertainty towards the side. My negative feelings and I are now two separate entities; I am NOT my depression or my anxiety.
Do the Opposite
I had days where I lied in bed and ignored the world as I tried to fade away. My mind told me that nothing would ever work and I’m bound for failure. My family and friends kept telling me, “no, Jen, you can still do it.” My mom would tell me to keep my head held high when I wanted to look down. I forced myself to practice my interview questions when I kept fearing I would fail my interviews. An article from the Wall Street Journal discussed how insomnia can get worse if we keep napping or changing our sleeping patterns to deal with our negative thoughts. They stay with us, HAUNTING us in our dreams. Instead, it’s time to get up, exercise, and be productive, as society expects us to do anyways.
Honestly, practicing these coping skills again after a lack of practice was difficult. My negativity would yell at me as I tried to continue being a normal person in society. At least I learned one big lesson from this whole experience: uncertainty is a part of life. It will not go away, it will not ignore you, and it will not listen to your demands easily. We all have to live with it and do our best as we continue living on this planet. It’s how life works.
How have you dealt with uncertainty in your life? Feel free to comment below.
